@ 9 months 3 weeks 1 day
I was supposed to pop by Eu Yan Sang to get the ‘magic cure’ for my baby’s heatiness till I remembered I have to pick Ryan cos MIL has dinner tonight.
Sigh.. here comes the sad story. I walked in nanny’s house and saw there was another auntie (let’s call her donno-who-she-is-auntie) playing with Ryan. She went like “Ryan, Ryan come to auntie la.. Ryan, Ryan, come come.. ” on and on and on. Ryan stared at her blankly and without hesitation quickly crawled back to auntie nanny. Sensing something amiss? No? Nevermind.. story continues..
By then I would have spent few minutes standing there (just few steps away) when Ryan crawled to auntie nanny. Yeah, he crawled to auntie nanny and not his mummy. Unless I suddenly become invinsible without my own knowledge, I am very very sure Ryan saw me but thinking maybe he couldn’t relate me as in me is his mummy, I just kept smiling lor.
Then this ‘donno-who-she-is-auntie’ still not satisfied, attempted to lure Ryan to her again.. “Ryan, come .. auntie po-po, go kai-kai”. Ryan, looked left, looked right, definitely saw me for sure, smiled at me, turned his back …. again crawled closer to auntie and clinged on her like ‘chap to kum’ (got hold of some treasure) and me by then kinda almost paralysed by Ryan’s actions just stood there all numb. My callings just fell on deaf ears. Seeing this, of course my heart breaks but in order not to embarass myself, I continued my ever lasting smile (fake)… so fake that I think auntie nanny sensed it. But but the one single bullet that pierced my heart so deep was not Ryan’s actions but this KPC ‘donno-who-she-is-auntie’s words. She said this to auntie nanny in Hakka (I can understand okiiiii) “the baby doesn’t even want to look at his mummy, likes you (nanny) more la”. **Ping Plang..** (sound effect) my heart shattered into powder already. Chinese says “ngan lui choy sum lui low” (cry in my heart). That was exactly how I felt.
Auntie put Ryan down.. and I seriously don’t know if she did it by purpose or not.. she sat at one corner (like opposite me la) and started calling Ryan. Like wanna tell the whole world, Ryan favours her more la (my assumption). So, almost gave up, I just stood there like a lifeless human .. just played along la.. called out Ryan’s name “Ryan, Ryan” (still with my fake smile). (why still smile? must put up a good show ma.. tak kan cry in front of nanny rite). Ryan, sat there staring here and there, finally crawled to …… mommy. I was really relief. I quickly grab Ryan and leave the scene. But I was seriously hurt. I felt rejected…(cry, cry)
I am not sure how bonding can be perfected between mommy-baby relationship but I have cared for Ryan whole heartedly all these months (erm, except for I don’t always pamper him. I can be quite firm on the Dos and Don’ts). The weird thing is Ryan can be very ignorant on our callings, but at times he’ll be very clingy and hugged on me tightly like there’s no tomorrow.
If I could have one wish, I wish I could read my baby’s mind…..