Bullied to Bully

@ 33 months 3 weeks 5 days

For the second time this week (and today is only Wednesday) Ryan’s class teachers told me this boy of mine had been aggresive towards his friends. The first time happened on Monday. Ryan had pushed his friend down because this friend apparently used his hand to deliberately covered Ryan’s eyes repitively during story time. Apparently Ryan tried pushing his friend’s hand away several times and when all his efforts failed, Ryan decided to push his friend causing his friend to fall. Sigh…

Today I went to pick Ryan up as usual during dismissal. The teacher saw me and quickly came over to speak with me. Actually from far I know something must be amiss. I could tell from the teacher’s face. It’s just a matter of what went wrong. 

According to the teacher’s feedback Ryan had grasped his friend’s neck causing the friend to choke a little. I was stunned, flabbergasted, stoned, speechless and seriously, I thought I would faint at that minute. What??????? That’s SERIOUS!!!! The teachers said Ryan was eyeing a trainset Z (the victim) was holding. Since they only have 5 sets, the students were taught to share. When it was finally Ryan’s turn, Z had refused to let go. Some snatching ensued and subsequently one thing led to another. I’m not finding excuse but err.. I can’t stop to wonder how this could happen right under the teacher’s nose? Haiz…

Anyway, back to Ryan. All along Ryan has never demonstrated any of such violent behaviour at home eventhough we have noticed an obvious change in behaviour in him eversince the biting incident last week. Since that unlucky day he has become more short fused and obviously overly protective over his belongings but apart from these we see no other symptoms that alarmed us. I really want to ‘pengsan’ (faint) now.. :( 

Ryan can be quite possesive during play time but generally he’s quite well mannered and a shy boy all along. I’m not sure if the incident has affected him so bad emotionally that he now realised the only way to survive is to protect himself and the only way to protect his interest is to turn bully button on hin him (note: all names incl the word ‘bully’ is just a name given to protect the parties involved. It has no relation to any other incidents or 3rd parties outside this incident).  

In less than a week my boy has turned from being bullied to a bully. He’s now taking his beauty nap. I am so ready with all the bullets for punishment time later! I really want to know why the sudden change of nature in him. Wish me luck.

25 thoughts on “Bullied to Bully”

  1. dun be too harsh on him. it is only normal for him to protect himself, and i guess this are part of the growing lessons. i am not saying it is right for him to behave that way, but try explaining it nicely. he is a good natured boy, i am sure he will know how to control his behaviour. You should give him credit that he knows how to protect himself. Joel until today is still being bullied.. only know how to shout for mommy to save him.. i lagi wanna faint..

  2. Yes that’s quite strange. I won’t be surprised if it is related to the biting incident. Perhaps you could speak and try to understand why he is behaving this way. Easier said than done! Good luck and let us know how it goes.

  3. but the good thing is he is not just outright violent for no reason. He fought back cos the person was stubborn or didnt want to give him something which he waited for!

  4. Hi, chanced upon your blog.
    Just wondering if the teacher told you how she managed the situation. Usually in cases like that adults at the scene need to reason out with both children immediately. Obviously the other child also needs to be spoken to, as Ryan had a reason for being aggressive

  5. Well, Irfan’s been behaving after the “punishment” incident, but as of late, he’s back to hugging kids too tight and yesterday pushed another boy too. But other than that, his teacher says that he’s a good and quiet boy. Not sure about the quiet bit because he’s never quiet with me (haha!) but I too am quite worriedlah.

    I know that he’s seeking attention because Irwan is forever at work or in front of his blackberry, so maybe I’m thinking that we shouldn’t punish them per se. I’m trying to reason out with him too. Sometimes toddlers’ minds aren’t as straight-forward as we think they are, me thinks?

    Sigh.

    p/s: Good luck to the both of us!

  6. yikes… i think it’s just wat he picked up from the new ‘environment’… to be defensive?
    just a tot… did u ask him about the incident? did u ask him wat he feels and wat he was thinking? cuz it wasn’t his first reflects, so something lead to it…

    on another note, i always felt like i dunno which to choose… to teach her to share (and not actually ‘fight’ for wat she wanted) or to teach her to do whatever required to get wat she wanted (and this isn’t quite the sharing teaching)… have to strike a balance???

    gambade yvonne…

  7. When he was bullied in the school, we worried. When he becomes a bully, we worry too. How to strike a balance??

    I agree with Huisia, perhaps he doesn’t know his strength and used it too much. All the best.

  8. The same thing happened to Lucas too – victim turned aggressor esp when it comes to roughplay e.g. hugging or chasing.

    I just keep reminding him to “be careful” or “be gentle” esp if the other kid is smaller or a baby.

    He made a toddler cry at Penang airport by hugging him so quickly that both of them fell to the ground!

    Don’t worry…we Mums are here to teach and guide :) Ryan’ll be fine, dear.

  9. For us, we try to talk to the kids nicely, but if like after 5 times still no response or remain the same, then harsher punishment comes through.

    Luckily so far Raelynne at school was not being bullied nor she bullied anyone. But at home.. pengsan!

  10. Ya, I also noticed after my son went to school, he dun like to share his toy anymore.

    Last time he has no problem sharing his toy with other children, but now he also become very protective over his belongings, I guess he get bullied from school, so he learn to protect himself too. But his father said it is better for him to learn how to protect himself, we can’t protect him forever.

    Guess what we can do is only to do our part, keeps reminding them to be good manners and always share their toys. We can’t control other kids :(

  11. Don’t worry too much..Ryan just learn too fast from others, which is very normal for his age. I have not been through all this yet but I have heard so much from friends and relatives regarding the same issue. Especially the Asian kids among the European kids; physically is much smaller, so tend to be more aggressive in protecting themselves. My niece whom being bullied few times, has learned to pull others hair at the age of 3 years old!Her parents often receive envelope of hair (pulled by her daughter in school)from the teacher as warning.

  12. survival of the fittest…i guess it’s time Ryan gets a sibling…that’s what made me decide having Kylie..but somehow, the gap is too big so it was kinda too late..so dun wait too long..

  13. its called self defense. Now he knows he need to defend himself when mommy is not around. Good la.. dun worry la Ryan is such a good boy, he’ll only use it for self defense and not to bully ppl la.

  14. sounds to me too jthat it’s self defense. i have the same worry too. when ashley started school 1.5 years ago, i was afraid that she would be bullied. eventually she started to slap ppl’s face or even bit a boy whom she thought was trying to disturb her but he was actually trying to carry her bag for her.

  15. Aiyo..I hope you did not punish him lar. To me, it’s a learning process and it’s only normal for the little one to copy what others have done to them. Given the guidance they get from parents at home, I’m confident that they will eventually know it’s wrong to be rough with friends.

  16. Hi Hi…

    Just want to share something with you….. Kids…are kids. Fighting at this age is not about bullying. They really don’t know how to express themselves..and have no patience.

    All kids do that..at one stage. The ones that never stop, normally has a deep rooted problem that causes them to lash out.

    But….take heart…it’s part of life. Don’t be toooo worried about it.

  17. Donch be too hard on Ryan. You know kids pick up things really quick.. so he is just doing it .. for self defense. Yes.. given it is still wrong.. but kids will always be kids. It’s is part of growing up.

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